Wednesday, January 6, 2010

BEYONCE DONE GONE AND GOT THE FEAR OF GOD IN HER FINGERNAILS!!!


okay, seriously, how could the hamster NOT see this film?

sure, i tried to play it cool for months. i turned my nose up at the theater poster, secretly wanting to sneak in an unnoticed afternoon matinee. i've pointed and jested at the blockbuster window decal, hoping the wife would suggest the film so i wouldn't have to. and when friends have asked me about that new "beyonce cat fight flick" i've always scoffed and said, "what? do you think i like bad movies?"

finally, the wife and i had a quiet sunday after our travels this past weekend. so we made a pot of coffee in the afternoon and searched the watch-instantly options on netflix (genius). i wanted something funny. she wanted something suspenseful. (it's a wonder we keep this ship afloat.) so i'm looking for something comically thrilling, and then i see the OBSESSED poster.

"we could watch the beyonce cat-fight flick?" (stated in question.)

"sure," she said. have i publicly praised my wife's freaking awesomeness lately? she be good.

as a side note, the stills are big beyonce fans. we own her entire solo career, even a few of her extended singles with unreleased tracks. and we both agree that SASHA FIERCE, though aptly titled, takes the backseat to B-DAY. and while most of my friends laugh at my love for beyonce, the stills are convinced that the woman is an unstoppable force, and every new beyonce video is the best video janet jackson never made.

so, yes, when beyonce tackles a cinematic chance to back up her vocal and lyrical prowess with some fierce acting, me and my house jump to witness the slaughter.

(just a side note: i'm concerned for beyonce. that girl is going to go baldheaded before she's 40. you cannot put that much relaxer and color in your hair over and over and expect to keep those locks. just ask salt-n-pepa - eventually your scalp fights back. your follicles throw up their hands. your hair burns off. i mean, God forbid, a scrawny white dude with receding lines would tell one of the most beautiful women in the world how to do her hair but, Lord girl, give it a rest! please! i mean, sure, most of it is probably a weave, but i still lose sleep sometimes.

i digress.)

let's jump straight to the verdict here: OBSESSED is no HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE, and it's certainly not as frightening and intense as FATAL ATTRACTION; nevertheless, OBSESSED is very energetic and fun, and beyonce delivers exactly what every man fears most -the fear of God in perfectly manicured nails.

you know the story: dude has top-tier job. new temp joins the team. she's smoking. he notices. she notices that he notices. she likes his notice. he exercises all manner of supernatural restraint as she rubs it all in his face. he fails to tell his wife because, well, she's beyonce and she's got the Old Testament in her fingernails. then the normal kitten-and-bitch chase reverses on the temp's flipped gears and she's a case. so beyonce has to break out the nails and chip one on ol' girl's forehead. then the shit blows up real big, and i started apologizing to latonya for crap i've never done.

i love these cinematic cautionary tales for men. if we won't listen to scripture and dr. phil and tiger woods, maybe we'll finally listen to beyonce or glenn close or dawn o'keefe. and we should. if the sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons, they're first vindicated through the hands of the mother. and sometimes she's not as merciful as the Divine covenant.

on top of the fun-though-predictable storyline and the vengeful morality play, the entire cast here was top notch. idris elba's acting was flawless: the man simply had to pretend he was not aroused. of course, he was sharing scenes with beyonce and ali larter, two women he can't have in real life, and thus the battle on his face was the real deal. and i've loved ali larter since the first FINAL DESTINATION. she's a great thriller actress, but i think she could really be more than a scream queen if given ample opportunity.

all in all, i give OBSESSED 4 difficult to see black men in a dark room out of 5. this is a great film for a lazy sunday afternoon. and, if i do say so myself, it's a perfect date flick. this is the kind of film that puts appropriate power back in the woman's hands and bent in the man's knees.

young men, watch and learn, because i guarantee good ladies know this stuff instinctively.

10 comments:

myleswerntz said...

I have to say, after watching 2 1/2 seasons of HEROES, I got limited love for Ali Larter. She's a bad chick in that one too, and IMO, she's okay on the eyes. Gimme Beyonce over the skinny white chick.

John Barber said...

Go back and find my review for PROM NIGHT and check out my love for Idris Elba. He was freaking Stringer Bell in The Wire, which is the greatest television show ever.

This is an Instant Watcher on Netflix? Lemme see if I can talk the wifey into it.

On the Beyonce note, my kids got the ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS II soundtrack for Christmas. A highlight of our vacation was driving to Virginia singing along with the Chipettes doing All the Single Ladies. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

saw this flick w my sweetie...and two teens. we liked the movie. I loved it! but really, what crazy stalker is gonna be doing all that and pretty much not be seen by anyone else...hmm...really. I also love beyonce aka, the wife, taking care of hers. awesome!

Moser said...

Still, if you liked this movie you should have put a ring on it. I'm just saying.

the hamster said...

myles - not familiar with HEROES, but i agree with your beyonce over larter. that may be base, but it's true.

john - i thought of your love for the elba during OBSESSED. he's kinda easy on the eyes, too, when he's not in a pitch black room. i'm not familiar with THE WIRE.

anonymous - drop the anonymity! identify thyself!

moser - i tried to, but blockbuster had already jacked up the clearance price on the dvds.

Kelly Riad said...

i crushed hard on Idris Elba after his speech to Butler's Mr. 1-2 in ROCKNROLLA regarding their friend being a "puff" and how if being a puff was the price for being a friend as good as theirs, he'd have to think about it "...not for too long, but i'd give it pause, y'know?" his accent helps his atraction as well.

that's all i have to offer on this review. unfortunately, i don't share your love for Beyonce or Ali Larter. I don't dislike them, just indifferent, y'know?

Amber@theRunaMuck said...

This is the most entertaining place on the webbernets, I promise.

Hamster, you don't know Heros? Mercy to Goodness. I love that stuff.

I'm so in the mother-pit, cabined up, that I have never even seen a poster for this movie, never heard of it, but now I'll see it.

Beyonce makes the best videos Janet never made. So true. I hope to be her when I grow up.

the hamster said...

kelly - you want me to make you a mix cd of beyonce hits? girl, you be bumpin' if i do.

amber haines done made my day!

myleswerntz said...

Um, can I get that Beyonce greatest tunes CD?

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