okay, seriously, how could the hamster NOT see this film?
sure, i tried to play it cool for months. i turned my nose up at the theater poster, secretly wanting to sneak in an unnoticed afternoon matinee. i've pointed and jested at the blockbuster window decal, hoping the wife would suggest the film so i wouldn't have to. and when friends have asked me about that new "beyonce cat fight flick" i've always scoffed and said, "what? do you think i like bad movies?"
finally, the wife and i had a quiet sunday after our travels this past weekend. so we made a pot of coffee in the afternoon and searched the watch-instantly options on netflix (genius). i wanted something funny. she wanted something suspenseful. (it's a wonder we keep this ship afloat.) so i'm looking for something comically thrilling, and then i see the OBSESSED poster.
"we could watch the beyonce cat-fight flick?" (stated in question.)
"sure," she said. have i publicly praised my wife's freaking awesomeness lately? she be good.
as a side note, the stills are big beyonce fans. we own her entire solo career, even a few of her extended singles with unreleased tracks. and we both agree that SASHA FIERCE, though aptly titled, takes the backseat to B-DAY. and while most of my friends laugh at my love for beyonce, the stills are convinced that the woman is an unstoppable force, and every new beyonce video is the best video janet jackson never made.
so, yes, when beyonce tackles a cinematic chance to back up her vocal and lyrical prowess with some fierce acting, me and my house jump to witness the slaughter.
(just a side note: i'm concerned for beyonce. that girl is going to go baldheaded before she's 40. you cannot put that much relaxer and color in your hair over and over and expect to keep those locks. just ask salt-n-pepa - eventually your scalp fights back. your follicles throw up their hands. your hair burns off. i mean, God forbid, a scrawny white dude with receding lines would tell one of the most beautiful women in the world how to do her hair but, Lord girl, give it a rest! please! i mean, sure, most of it is probably a weave, but i still lose sleep sometimes.
let's jump straight to the verdict here: OBSESSED is no HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE, and it's certainly not as frightening and intense as FATAL ATTRACTION; nevertheless, OBSESSED is very energetic and fun, and beyonce delivers exactly what every man fears most -the fear of God in perfectly manicured nails.
you know the story: dude has top-tier job. new temp joins the team. she's smoking. he notices. she notices that he notices. she likes his notice. he exercises all manner of supernatural restraint as she rubs it all in his face. he fails to tell his wife because, well, she's beyonce and she's got the Old Testament in her fingernails. then the normal kitten-and-bitch chase reverses on the temp's flipped gears and she's a case. so beyonce has to break out the nails and chip one on ol' girl's forehead. then the shit blows up real big, and i started apologizing to latonya for crap i've never done.
i love these cinematic cautionary tales for men. if we won't listen to scripture and dr. phil and tiger woods, maybe we'll finally listen to beyonce or glenn close or dawn o'keefe. and we should. if the sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons, they're first vindicated through the hands of the mother. and sometimes she's not as merciful as the Divine covenant.
on top of the fun-though-predictable storyline and the vengeful morality play, the entire cast here was top notch. idris elba's acting was flawless: the man simply had to pretend he was not aroused. of course, he was sharing scenes with beyonce and ali larter, two women he can't have in real life, and thus the battle on his face was the real deal. and i've loved ali larter since the first FINAL DESTINATION. she's a great thriller actress, but i think she could really be more than a scream queen if given ample opportunity.
all in all, i give OBSESSED 4 difficult to see black men in a dark room out of 5. this is a great film for a lazy sunday afternoon. and, if i do say so myself, it's a perfect date flick. this is the kind of film that puts appropriate power back in the woman's hands and bent in the man's knees.
young men, watch and learn, because i guarantee good ladies know this stuff instinctively.