Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why This Site Exists

I've seen a lot of bad movies. And I do mean A LOT. Like, way more than you have. Watching bad movies is a unique art. It's like going to the used record store and hunting through the Bargain bin. You may go ten times and look through hundreds of albums before finding anything good. But when you do... oh, man. It's like Christmas. In the same way, there are thousands and thousands of bad movies and most of them are nothing special. They are simply bad. But, every once in a while, you come across a movie like MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS. And I'm gonna be honest with you - if the title of this movie doesn't get you excited, you might as well just quit reading now. 'Cause you're not going to care. And that's ok. But what you need to remember is that this website was created by three guys who love this kind of junk. We freaking love it.

Once you get past the title of this one, pay attention to the stars - Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson (I know, it's supposed to be Deborah, but I can't bring myself to call her that) - and yes, it is that Debbie Gibson (insert Electric Youth joke here). It doesn't get better than this, folks. Lamas and Gibson are like the Bogie and Bacall of bad movies.

Here's the plot. And no, I'm not making this up (kudos to writer/director Jack Perez, who also has films such as MONSTER ISLAND, THE MARY KAY LETOURNEAU STORY, and LA CUCARACHA to his credit, for dreaming up this masterpiece). Debbie Gibson is a marine biologist/submarine pilot/love interest who studies whales, or something. Then some other stuff happens. Then a giant (sorry, Mega) shark jumps out of the water and attacks an airplane. In the sky. A passenger plane. I know that I tend to be guilty of overstatement, but I promise I'm not here. THIS. SCENE. IS. THE. BEST.

Anyway, more plot. Turns out that there's also a giant octopus out there. Both shark and octopus are terrorizing the world and killing lots of people, so Debbie Gibson and her crew get hired by the government (typical "kill-em-all" types, epitomized by Lorenzo Lamas) to help catch the beasties. Of course, the brown shirts wanna kill the creatures, but Debbie and Co want to capture them. They come up with a typical "attract the beasts with pheromones" plan, which (predictably) goes awry. So, science be darned - everyone agrees that the only way to end the problem is to get shark and octopus to fight each other and fix the problem themselves. Hence, MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS.

A couple of things about the movie. The plot is ridiculous. Wonderfully, amazingly, hysterically, ridiculous. But totally self-aware about its ridiculousness. Also, the special effects are spectacularly bad. The scene where the shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge is worth the price of admission by itself. And man, I haven't even shown you the octopus yet! Again, Lamas and Gibson are totally in their element here. I can't wait for the sequel. And there will be a sequel. There will be.

Movies like this are why Three Hands in the Popcorn Bag was invented. I can't recommend this highly enough. Seriously. If you've got Netflix, you can watch it online. If not, go to Blockbuster or your local Redbox. Invite your friends over. Pop some corn. Delight in the wondrous badness of MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS.

This gets 5 "Shake Your Loves" out of 5.

7 comments:

Tiffani R said...

Your review was so entertaining, John, that I am actually thinking about getting this movie from Netflix. Seriously. But if I do, I'll wait to watch it with my parents who love crazy junk like this.

Also, I think you missed an opportunity to make a really bad "Shark your Love" pun.

That is all.

John Barber said...

Good call on the Shark Your Love pun... I blew it there. I almost made an Out of the Blue reference, but I don't know if everyone is as familiar with the Debbie Gibson catalog as I am.

Definitely get it from Netflix! You can watch it online there, too - that's how I watched it.

That is also all.

myleswerntz said...

what????? this is available online???? I'm watching this tonight. Today is promising to be insane, so I'll need something like this to cancel out the other banal nonsense I'll be doing.

the hamster said...

i just picked up FROGS on dvd and the original BATMAN: THE MOVIE on vhs this past weekend.

not to mention, the glories of glories - PROM NIGHT! after searching and searching, the greatness of jamie less curtis wielding an axe and a tiara belongs to me. reviews to follow.

john, great review and great recommendation. my friends here in BCS do NOT, can NOT, and refuse to understand the glories of bad cinema. and bless them for their preferences, but i can guarantee, unless myles comes in town this weekend, i'll be viewing shark vs. 'pus alone.

by the way, you still need to write up something about ICE SPIDERS.

myleswerntz said...

are you saying I should come in town Friday? I'll have to clear that with the wife.

Jen said...

This movie post reminds me a lot of "Snakes on a Plane", another AWESOME movie. Definitely watch it with friends

myleswerntz said...

wow. I watched this online yesterday, and all I can say is I will eagerly look forward to the next installment of this cinematic gall bladder.