Tuesday, June 2, 2009


the wife and i sat in the theater parking lot, eating carter burgers and sweet potato fries. she asked me questions about STAR TREK: the old films and the original shows. i know very little, but i know that i love ranch dressing on sweet potato fries. i also know that i'm three weeks and two posts late seeing the new film and that, surely, theaters will cut STAR TREK from the bryan-college station cinematic-quiver this thursday. so, there in the premiere 16 parking lot, alongside my bride, i ate my carter burger in peace and tranquility, knowing that i am here, i am hungry to learn and wear goosebumps, and though i know vulcan turds about the original "canon" (let janna laugh at me, too!), i'm still happier about this film than an unrepressed spock living long against uhura's prosperities. now, on with my thoughts.

overall, the general hamsterian consensus concerning the new STAR TREK is that, possibly more than any other film i viewed this year in theaters, i intensely liked this new STAR TREK. granted, and please remember, i am saying this as someone who has very limited star trek schema. as a child, i do remember being deeply affected by the death of spock, while also being extremely terrified of the little black crawfish that crawled in people's ears. both scenes had a profound effect on me, perhaps even eliciting some form of emotional outburst. other than that, i was a newbie walking into a trekkies' world tonight, yet i loved the experience. 

due to the fact that this is the eleventh STAR TREK film released since THE MOTION PICTURE in 1979, i thought i would celebrate my birth upon the enterprise by exploring eleven things i liked about the new STAR TREK film, in no particular order of preference or time sequence.  

1.) the opening sequence. i was in tears and goosefleshes five minutes into the flick. it was just like going to see the new FRIDAY THE 13th, when jason has this amazing return and slices all these potheads one after another in old school fashion and then suddenly, after 25 amazing machete minutes, the opening credits roll. the same damn thing happened in this STAR TREK. i was moved, instantly drawn in and drained dry - and then the opening credits roll up. amazing. very few films have ever sucked me in that quickly. in fact, maybe only two. who ever knew FRIDAY THE 13th and STAR TREK could have so much in common?

2.) best use of "sabotage" since the actual video. and the best use of a cliff-dive since THELMA AND LOUISE, which was the best since DUAL. plus, the best use of a hovercraft racer since RETURN OF THE JEDI. not to mention, the best use of iowa since its acquiescence to the nation in 1846. that scene right there made me wish i was twelve again, but in the future a bit.

3.) let's be honest: i liked the green alien girl. i do not have sons to shield from this film, so i thought the green alien girl was weirdly cute. what can i say: i like tattoos.

4.) after that one scene when the enterprise comes up through the brown dust and floats before the rings of saturn, i leaned over to my friend ryan urban and said, "you know they were proud of that shot." it made the hubble telescope look like a fun-party-barbie polaroid. 

5.) any chance to watch simon pegg is solid gold greatness to me. john eluded to the reviews beaming pegg's performance down to rubbish. bullocks. pegg was great. he was endearing. he was funny. he was everything i remember scotty being: jovial, spicy-tounged, and rotund in the face. 

6.) any chance to look at zoe saldana is solid gold golden to me. and while we're at it: as the unglamorous half of biracial couple, i am about damn good and ready to see more hot black women jumping up on awkward white men in films. art is not imitating real life as often as it should, people. or, at least, it's not imitating my life.

7.) warp speed is freaking awesome. especially when no one in the front of the ship is suddenly thrust to the back of the ship when warp speed is engaged. physics mean nothing in space.

8.) when kirk woke up on the ice planet, i thought it would be funny if a tauntaun scampered by. but then that crazy half-PREDATOR-half-lobster-half-spider thing erupted and i nearly spat a sour patch kid. that thing was wild! it was like an ambulatory sarlacc pit. very cool.

9.) i like how we all walked in thinking that this was a big sci-fi geekfest about ships and blackholes and galatic war and blacker holes and sneaking sour patch kids in through the wife's purse and green girls in lingerie and interracialisms, only to find out that the new STAR TREK is really a buddy flick. it's about the love shared between men who do not kiss or play with each other's tooshies. it's about kirk and spock. it's about trust and overcoming first impressions. it's about putting your life in the hands of a man who possibly hasn't earned the right to hold your life, but he will cause you met him as an old dude in a cave, even though you still know him as a young dude on a ship and his young version shot you down near the cave in a little pod close to the running sarlacc pit, and his old version implores you to put your life in his young version's hands cause he's old now and his planet's gone and his poker nights are blasted and there's no more good-buddy bars to visit on pint night (or whatever measurement they used in vulcan) so, hell, why not love the younger version guy on the space craft? that's the kinda friendship i'm talking about, people, the kind that last for at least two or three sequels. i nearly grabbed ryan's hand a few times, and not just to push his elbow off the arm rest. 

10.) leonard nimoy, yes. william shatner, no.

11.) i'm a sucker for time travel. i love the whole idea of going forward and going backwards and altering time's natural course. that piece of the puzzle moved a little too quickly for me there, and, thus, it bid me to come back before thursday to see the film again, or maybe to go back to last thursday and see it when i really was just dinking around the house and altering very little except my alcohol intake level. you never know: i may soon have my chance to return.

that's all i got, people. 


Anonymous said...

fantastic review, of a fantastic movie. I agree that we need more hot black women in movies, or green women, or blue women for all i care. variety people, it's the spice of life!

the only thing this movie left me wondering, other than all of the complicated time travel stuff that i didn't quite understand (like Nimoy being stuck in the time he traveled back to, he can't possibly go back to his life as he once knew it... way to take one for the team guy), was: can JJ Abrams do anything wrong?

Parkerchica said...

My lone memory of Star Trek is the ear crawfish. I don't know where I was or when I saw it. Even the therapist couldn't jog my memory to conjure up the particulars.

Thanks to the ear crawfish, I have never been camping. Who knows what critters are lurking in the wilderness, just waiting for I nice clean ear to inhabit? Thanks for that, Gene Roddenberry.

myleswerntz said...

That would be Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, one of the best of the series.

Liked this write-up. Best phrase: "ambulatory sarlac pit".

jen said...

Just saw the movie. I would let Chris Pine be my captain anytime.

the hamster said...

oooo, jen, you dirty!