Tuesday, February 10, 2009

THE FINAL CHAPTER, MY ASS: THIS IS THE FINAL FRONTIER!


ladies and gentlemen -

i am pleased to announce that i have accomplished a long sought after goal: as of last night, along with the viewing displeasure of my beloved wife, i watched the final FRIDAY THE 13TH film of the original franchise. that's right! 10 jason vorhees' films are now to my credit; over 250 kills have been burned into holy crushed velvet bunny rabbit of my brain; nearly 20 hours of my life twiddled and twaddled away never to be bought back. and i regret none of it. instead, i celebrate. today i celebrate! i have no more of these things to sit through until i sit through them all again! (and i probably will).

as much as i would love to review JASON X ("the one where jason's in space"), i will refrain my review until the proper monthly time slot (if we ever get those bad mo-jo's up and running again). instead, for now, i will simply celebrate the end of my jason vorhees journey with a retrospective look back at some of the best and worst moments in the franchise.

FAVORITE FRIDAY FILM: the first one is the still the best. it's the most gruesome. the most scary. the most awesome POV showcase of the century.

LEAST FAVORITE FRIDAY FILM: part 8 - JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. listen, there is more suspense, terror and intrigue in THE MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN than this crusty piece of bastard. not to mention the false titling: jason is only in manhattan for the last ten minutes; the rest of the time he's on a cruise ship - a cruise ship! - slaughtering the not-so-innocent. lame in any language, straight from sean s. cunningham's heart.

FAVORITE KILL: oooo, that's a toughy. my favorite kill is a toss-up between kevin bacon getting the arrow slowly through the esophagus in the first FRIDAY and the girl getting her face frozen in liquid nitrogen, then slammed into crystal tiddly-winks in JASON X. both of those were pretty boss. 

FAVORITE HEROINE: jenny - by far - in part 2. every one of these films end with some hot girl in a showdown with jason. jenny was the most badass. that whole bit with putting on pamela's decaying sweater and pretending to be jason's mother was pure genius. not to mention, that's the only moment in the entire franchise when jason stops to reconsider his actions. 

LEAST FAVORITE "HEROINE": chris in part 3. she was ridiculous. jason chases her up the stairs, she throws books at him. jason falls out the window, she bonks him with a 2x4, and then squeals off into the barn. jason comes into the barn, starts to hack the biker dude, and she just screams with her hands on her head. do not take this girl on vacation!

FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER: no question about it - crazy ralph deserved his own end times sitcom.

MOST RIDICULOUS JASON RESURRECTION: at the end of part 6 (JASON LIVES), tommy and megan drown jason at the bottom of crystal lake, anchoring him under water to a boulder. at the beginning of part 7 (A NEW BLOOD), this little girl with ESP comes to stay at crystal lake to undergo some therapy and testing. while there, she goes into an ESP panic and, in an effort to raise her dead father from the bottom of the lake (cause so many people drown in this lake) she accidentally resurrects jason instead.

SECOND MOST RIDICULOUS JASON RESURRECTION (CAUSE I JUST CAN'T STOP AT ONE): part 6 - JASON LIVES - when tommy digs up jason's body out of its grave so he can re-kill jason (stupid!). tommy then sticks a metal pole into jason during a thunder storm, lightning comes, ben franklin discovers electricity, jason's the energizer bunny all over again. 

MOST AWESOME JASON DEATH: oddly enough, my favorite jason death is at the end of my least favorite FRIDAY film. when the remaining teenagers lure jason into the sewers of manhattan, one brilliant youngster remembers his lessons from the teenage mutant ninja turtle cartoons and melts jason in toxic waste. FRIDAY VIII was made in 1989, right at the end of our toxic waste obsession in the eighties. i loved the stroll down garbage pail kids lane.

MOST NUDE SHOTS IN A SINGLE FILM: seriously, my wife sits out FRIDAYs 1-9, then suddenly decides to watch part 10 with me last night only to find the most gratuitous sex and the most booby shots of any film so far. i was chagrinned.

MOST INVENTIVE MURDER WEAPON: besides the liquid nitrogen in JASON X, i just love the sleeping bag scene in part ?. schyea, so i can't remember what film it was, but there's this scene where a girl is in a sleeping bag, and jason grabs the sleeping bag and then bashes it against a tree. the MPAA told the producers they had to take the scene out of the theatrical version in order to keep the R-rating. of course, the scene made it to dvd. 

FAVORITE LINE FROM THE WHOLE FRANCHISE: "you kids going out in the woods to drink a little beer, smoke a little pot, and have a little premarital sex?" - steve freeman, JASON GOES TO HELL (part 9)

while we're at it, i would like to publicly praise my wife for scoring us tickets to see the new FRIDAY THE 13th this friday night at 11:55. 




these tickets are my valentine's day gift. yes, slashering is one of my primary love languages. thanks, my lovely.

7 comments:

zoesjourneyhome said...

Ahhh, you've taken not one for the team... but TEN for the team. Props to you for not leaving us to wonder if you lack a social life... No sir, you belt out in ear-shattering confidence, "I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME!!!!" You're unapologetic, and for this, I have one more reason to be eternally grateful to you.

(Loved, it, BTW. Hope the new one blows them all away...)

myleswerntz said...

I'm planning on going Wednesday to see the new installment. Review to come.

the hamster said...

friday!

myleswerntz said...

no can do. my social life is not in my hands. It's Wednesday or nothing.

the hamster said...

wednesday!

John Barber said...

Ok. This is probably my favorite post ever on THitPB. Good job, hamster. Time well spent (well, not really, but that's ok).

What's next for the hamster? Nightmare on Elm Streets?

the hamster said...

as far as time spent...

it took me nine months to finish the films,

20 minutes to write the post.

time is my sugga mama.