Tuesday, January 6, 2009

"TYPICAL IN-BRED REDNECK STUFF." - john barber's wife's husband


"I'm just thinking West Virginia - trespassing:
not a great combination."

"Look, I need to pee."

"Well, I need to remind you
of a little film called DELIVERANCE."

*****

the jokes start flying when i tell folks i'm from arkansas. particularly south arkansas. evidently, we south arkansans have a reputation for not wearing shoes and being birthed by our sisters. i hear it everywhere. even in texas, these aggies love a good arkansas goof as much as any midwesterner or yankee. nevertheless, i've learned to take it in stride. after all, i wear chuck taylors religiously, and my mother's maiden name does not match my own.

however, once at a family reunion hosted at lake degray state park south of hot springs, my second cousin propositioned me. i was twenty-one at the time, and she was only five years my junior. i vividly remember that she wore a leather mini-skirt, fishnet hose, leather boots, and black lipstick. i thought she was quite ahead of her time: the whole emo scene was still a good four years away, and goth was not yet mainstream. regardless, she made the look work, as i was completely frightened to sit near her. and when she put her hand on my thigh, asking if i would like to come stay with her in her "very own personal trailer", i made the only use ever of my true-love-waits commitment card by mentioning that i was saving myself for marriage. they promised it would come in handy.

but, really, i digress. 

with this matrix of existence, you can only imagine my utter delight (yet again) at finding a film about woods-bound inbred-cannibal-maniacs who are NOT from arkansas. as a proud representative of the natural state, i declare that we arkansans are tired of carrying the full-brunt of inbreeding! i have never procreated with a blood relative, and i can boldly proclaim that i never will! we arkansans are a proud race, even if our family trees boast few branches!

alright, alright ... enough about me, let's get to this almost fabulous film about inbreeds and wayward campers. WRONG TURN tells the unfortunate story of six ultra-pretty gen-Xers apprehended by biological warfarers while trolloping through the west virginia countryside. (which, by the way, is lovely terrain. when the latonyanator and i finally got around to watching DELIVERANCE, i was so taken by the scenic beauty that i could not adequately feel the twistedness of ned beatty's piggy impressions.) one by one, WRONG TURN's pretty people are dwindled down to heaping messes of southern-style chili while escaping to the safer edges of ohio. what ensues in the meantime is a fanciful double-helix twist of THE HILLS HAVE EYES and CROUCHING-TIGER HIDDEN-DRAGON. WRONG TURN offers my first glimpse into horror survival tactics waged in treetops. the novelty was so titillating that i actually forgot to be afraid there for a moment. 

as a horror film, WRONG TURN offers the goods. i watched this whole thing at my dining room table in the middle of a sunny tuesday afternoon, sipping community coffee on the rocks, and i still felt nervous. truth be told: i not only grew up in south arkansas, but i also grew up near the woods in south arkansas. i have feared pine trees since the first time i stuffed dead brown needles into my toddler slobbered mouth. WRONG TURN has given me one more reason to decline camping trip invitations. 

i viewed WRONG TURN for free at www.hulu.com. my hamsterian recommendation says it's worth a hulu visit or a netflix queue request. easily, WRONG TURN receives 3.7 barbed wire mouthpieces out of 5. just please remember, the inbreds in arkansas eat roadkill, not vacationers. at least, i've heard so from some reliable sources. 

3 comments:

John Barber said...

The first time I saw WRONG TURN, I fantasized that it would have been a much better movie if they had actually found some inbred West Virginia rednecks and cast them as the bad guys, rather than using actors with makeup. They coulda paid them in moonshine or something.

Can we get a whole post about your second cousin? A picture perhaps? This is my favorite story of all time. I want more details.

the hamster said...

john - i'm glad you want more details. there are plenty of more details about that situation that day at the family reunion. one detail is that she said, "i have my own trailer out behind mama's, and there's only one bed." i think that was when i went for a refill on dr. pepper.

the hamster said...

john - really, sir, what bugs me most is that i was only propositioned twice throughout my entire five years of college: one time by my cousin and the second time by a dude named tom at the waffle house in caddo valley. honestly, i more flattered by tom's proposition.