Friday, December 5, 2008


Hamster: As a Hockey Mask, Inc. exclusive, I am very pleased to welcome to our Hockey Mask studios a man who I feel needs no introduction: Bobby Ford from The Legend of Boggy Creek. Bobby, on behalf of John, Myles and myself, thank you for taking time out of your busy fishing and squirrel skinning schedule to talk with me today.

Bobby: Mm, yes, sir. Glad to do 't.

H: Now, Bobby, according to the documentary by Charles Pierce, you were attacked by the Fouke Monster, a variety of the Bigfoot, twice. Is that right?

B: Mm, yes, sir. He grabb't on me twicet.

H: Remarkable, Bobby. I mean, for most Americans, the legend of Bigfoot is a tall tale, a campfire scare story to keep children from wondering into the woods. However, you not only saw a Bigfoot, you were actually accosted by one. You must feel pretty special, huh?

B: Mm, no, sir. I don't rightly feel special. Unless by special you mean that I can't pee standin' up no mo' cuz I still get the shivers real bad.

H: My gosh, Bobby, that is a special feeling. Could you tell us about the two Bigfoot attacks you survived?

B: Mmm, yes, sir. Well, you sees, firs' time he grabb't on me I was sittin' on my sister's couch over by the winder, had my arm up rest't on th' couch back, and he reach't right in that winder and grabb't my arm, right above th' wrist, you sees, like he's grabbin' fer my watch to check the time. That were th' firs' time he grabb't on me. Sec'nd time he grabb't on me I were out in the yard with my brother-in-law, he's married to my sister Sue, and he and his friend were tryin' to shoot that monster. I's holdin' the light fer 'em, you sees, and that monster reach'd up and slapp't me on th' back, just like momma did when I'd stick my fing'r in her apple pie fer it were done. Mm, yes, sir. That sec'nd time he grabb't on me, I woked up in Texarkana in th' hospital eatin' ice chips and banana puddin'.

H: My goodness, Bobby! That is quite a story! I bet you tell that story often, don't you?

B: Mm, no, sir. I don't tell it much. Gives me th' shivers when I do.

H: Speaking of the shivers, Bobby, there is something from the tape that I would like to ask you about.

B: Mmm, yes, sir?

H: Bobby, I noticed that Pierce included a very touching scene, a private scene of you in the bathroom. And I noticed that then, too, the Fouke Monster tried to, as you say, "grab on you." Is that right?

B: Well, yes, sir. That did happ'n. But, I's kinda hopin' you weren't....

H: And, Bobby, I noticed in the tape that when you came off the toilet that you already, in that one jumpking flash, had your long underpants pulled up?

B: Well, mmm, yes, sir.

H: It's as if, Bobby, you never actually pulled them down in the first place. As if you sat down on the toilet with your long underwear still pulled up around your waist. Is that right?

B: Mmm, well, sir, now I had just been grabb't on by that monster. I'm not rightly sure I's thinkin' straight.

H: Bobby, we at Hockey Mask, Inc. just need to know one way or the other: did you or did you not sit on the toilet with your pants up to your waist?

B: I nearly crapp't my own britches that firs' time he grabb't on me...

H: Didn't look like it to me, Bobby?

B: Well, now, sir! I'm not rightly sure I 'ppreciate...

H: Bobby, it just seems strange that with all those pretty South Arkansas women in that house, that Fouke Monster came only for you. Three times he came only for you. Once when you were on the couch. A second time in the bathroom. And a third time while your brother was shooting at him with a gun, which resulted in your hospitalization. I think it would behoove the Hockey Mask audience to know, Bobby: did you have relations with the Fouke Monster?

B: ....... Mm ........

H: Bobby, the question is simple: were you and Fouke Monster involved?

B: .......

H: Bobby, this is a community of friends. You can tell us.

B: Mmm, yes! Yes, sir! I did love that beast! He were burly and rugged! He could carry a hun'r'd pound hog on his shoulder. My sister made me leave him. My sister Sue, that I's stayin' with, she wanted me to meet that other girl that had her cat took by my Foukey, but Foukey took that girl's speech. And I couldn't have no girl I couldn't hollar at. He were my love!

H: Thank you, Bobby. Thank you so much for the truth. We at Hockey Mask, Inc. greatly appreciate your candor and strength.

B: He were my giant love squirrel! And I lost his watch! He were just lookin' fer his watch!


myleswerntz said...

i love mock interviews. i also loved the long john sprint.

the hamster said...

i've lived that long john sprint.

and who said anything about this interview being mocked?