Sunday, November 16, 2008


dear diary,

i finally got around to seeing that movie. ugh! what was i thinking?! not seeing this movie sooner! i mean, really, if i'm going to make it with the heathers i've got to keep up with their reindeer games. even heather douglass told me after heather urban's bridal shower that the movie HEATHERS was really very. and i totally believed her. i mean, why wouldn't i? even though J.D. said that it was as cool as puking on you own shoes at a college party, i still watched it and i still laughed. 

i mean, really, what's that kid's damage? seriously, there was a time when i thought i needed to stop the heathers, but now i realize: i've got to stop all the jason dean's murdering our movie going before we've even went! i've got some chaos that could really kill his dinosaur!

sure, i felt bad laughing at some of the parts. who didn't? like when heather drank the drain-o and gasped "CORN-NUTS!" and fell through the glass coffee table, i knew right then and there that this movie was going to be big fun. i mean, it's one thing to want someone out of your life, it's another to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer! 

this film was totally very in so many ways, but then it was way damaged in others. but i'm so afraid to tell heather that i didn't get it, and that it was like so '87, cause she told me that this movie was the big one and that if i blew it, it would be keggers with kids all next year. and i really like heather and all, but, seriously, i've had about enough of her and all her Swatch dog, Diet Coke heads. 

wait a minute! maybe heather and heather and heather deserve the likes of jason dean! before those brain tumor for breakfast hounds get any more weak ideas, i'm gonna spread my wings. i'm gonna teach other people to spread there wings and fly. like eagles! and then heather will say to me, you're beautiful! but this time, that girl scout cookie will really mean it!

okay, i'm done here. this film was really great, but i've got to motor if i'm going to unslush their slushies. i've got to think of something big here. something drastic. something as big as moby dick, and fast, before people realize that my teen-angst has a body count. 

i give heather's beloved HEATHERS film a ghastly 2.3 gentle chainsaws out of 5. honestly, it's all red ribbons and THE red croquet ball for me from here on out, heather. 

love, your best friend, your worst enemy - same difference,

- veronica 


myleswerntz said...


the hamster said...

which part? what of?

myleswerntz said...

I loved the narrative voice of the review. very very.

John Barber said...

In the interest of being completely earnest, I have to say that I went to a Halloween party a few years ago dressed as Martha Dumptruck. Note pinned to my chest and everything.

I'm a big fan of this movie. I can vividly remember the big suicide epidemic of the 80s and how we had to endure countless pleas to "Don't Do It."

I give it 4 shot off digits out of 5.

the hamster said...

john barber - i will say that this film answered to the epidemic in the only way that i think '80s highschool kids could receive. super dark, super sarcastic, super harsh and heavy on the laughs about things that no one should ever really laugh about probably did more for the kiddos than we realize on rewind. yessir, i think i'll be seeing this again soon. i've noticed that this film has stuck to my ribs. two days later, and i'm still digesting it.

Amber said...

This looks like the scariest movie ever. The 80s give me such willy wonka's.

Also, back then was so Christian Slater and a bag of chips!

Sean said...

That actress on the far left was in twin peaks.

Kimberly said...

So, I'm a little behind...

But I loved this review... though, with no mention of how you love your dead gay son, I'm a bit disappointed.

*note* both blonde Heathers appear in the party scene of Say Anything. Just another excuse to watch a John Cusack movie (as if I need one).

the hamster said...


kim roth - i so wanted you in on this review. you were one of my inspirations for this, or, at least, i had you in mind the whole time i wrote this. the more i thought about this film, the more i liked it. good stuff. thanks for catching up, my friend.