Forget it. We don't know what the eff-bomb is happening anymore. In fact, we're done with camp and campers and trying to keep little rug-rats alive around here until part 6, which will be released in 1986 - four years from now. So, you know, go work on roller skates at Sonic; or go sonic about at the roller skating rink. Just don't come here. We're so damn confused.
The good news is that now our famous serial killer, you know, the one that got this place named Camp Blood in the first place, has been identified. Better than that, he's been given a business card of sorts: a hockey mask. He took this from that tub-o-lard Shelly, right before splitting his head like a fresh honeydew melon. By the way, we do not grow honeydew melons at Camp Blood - so we're not sure where the killer got all the practice. Anyway, with this said, avoid anyone walking about with a hockey mask and a machete. You shouldn't have to fear anyone only sporting one of the items.
These rules especially apply to anyone nekkid, showering, screwing, or generally still alive at Camp Blood. But especially for the nekkid people. This guy can spot a shower scene an entire lake away. However, after reviewing the security tapes, we're not complaining.
Honestly, here's the crap that's throwing us off from this past Summer at Camp Blood:
- Shelly. Who invited that kid?
- The punk rockers. WTF? This is the country. This is redneck land, not some backstreet British Sex-Pistols club.
- Chris - the final girl. How you gonna knock a 7 foot 300 pound already-dead serial killer in the back of the head with a rotten two-by-four and then run off? Chris, you give white people in horror films a very bad name! Did you learn nothing from Ginny in part 2? We gave you that tape for a reason! Kick in the jimmy, then run. Kick in the jimmy, then run. And run until you find the killer's dead mother's baby blue sweater. We told you this, Chris. Now you've set white girls back in horror films for at least a decade. Filth. And after all that Jamie Lee Curtis and Sigorney Weaver have done for you, and you go acting like that running and falling white trick in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE! shame.
- When did Camp Blood get a barn? Is that an Extreme Home Makeover addition? Was Ty Pennington here? Did he use a sledge hammer with his shirt off? Did anyone get any pictures? I'm just asking.
Alright, alright. Enough already. Listen, Camp Blood is on hiatus for the time being. Like I said, go skate somewhere or something. Wear a lot of hair spray and eye liner - boys included. It's 1982, people. Live it up with all your clothes on somewhere. Camp Blood will reopen soon enough as a party ground for wayward drunken teenagers. At least Crispin Glover has scheduled a dance performance here soon enough. We have him - and him alone - to look forward to. He's the best thing we got going until part 6.