Monday, October 13, 2008

STAYING ALIVE AT CAMP BLOOD NEWSLETTER vol. 3






These rules especially apply to anyone nekkid, showering, screwing, or generally still alive at Camp Blood. But especially for the nekkid people. This guy can spot a shower scene an entire lake away. However, after reviewing the security tapes, we're not complaining.

Honestly, here's the crap that's throwing us off from this past Summer at Camp Blood:

- Shelly. Who invited that kid?
- The punk rockers. WTF? This is the country. This is redneck land, not some backstreet British Sex-Pistols club.
- Chris - the final girl. How you gonna knock a 7 foot 300 pound already-dead serial killer in the back of the head with a rotten two-by-four and then run off? Chris, you give white people in horror films a very bad name! Did you learn nothing from Ginny in part 2? We gave you that tape for a reason! Kick in the jimmy, then run. Kick in the jimmy, then run. And run until you find the killer's dead mother's baby blue sweater. We told you this, Chris. Now you've set white girls back in horror films for at least a decade. Filth. And after all that Jamie Lee Curtis and Sigorney Weaver have done for you, and you go acting like that running and falling white trick in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE! shame.
- When did Camp Blood get a barn? Is that an Extreme Home Makeover addition? Was Ty Pennington here? Did he use a sledge hammer with his shirt off? Did anyone get any pictures? I'm just asking.

Alright, alright. Enough already. Listen, Camp Blood is on hiatus for the time being. Like I said, go skate somewhere or something. Wear a lot of hair spray and eye liner - boys included. It's 1982, people. Live it up with all your clothes on somewhere. Camp Blood will reopen soon enough as a party ground for wayward drunken teenagers. At least Crispin Glover has scheduled a dance performance here soon enough. We have him - and him alone - to look forward to. He's the best thing we got going until part 6.

- Ginny

8 comments:

myleswerntz said...

hmmm....I kinda want to watch this now.

the hamster said...

if you still want to watch FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3, after reading what i have written, then i have failed you as a friend and film reviewer.

may God have mercy on your soul.

John Barber said...

Please watch it. It will make you appreciate the wonderfulness of Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman so much more...

the hamster said...

i also like corey feldman's sister in part 4. she's almost as tough as ginny from part 2, which you wouldn't think because she runs around in the woods in pumps. however, when push comes to shove, she takes on the jason vorhees in hand to hockey mask combat. and a girl like that should be praised - particularly more than chris in part 3.

myleswerntz said...

oh, don't worry: i'm so on board for pt. 4. i'm even enticed by the banality you're describing here to go watch pt. 3.

otrylc--a super-Tootsie pop.

the hamster said...

myles - if you do watch the FRIDAY 3, let me know. we can watch together. maybe this weekend.

myleswerntz said...

no: after watching parts of it on youtube, i have exactly ZERO desire to waste brain space on this. maybe we can catch one of the Romero films.

Sean said...

I followed the link of Crispin Glover to youtube. Then I followed another link to a clip of him in River's Edge. Then I watched Siskel and Ebert review it. I kinda wanna watch that movie now.

I have no interest whatsoever in any Jason movie, ever. Sorry.