Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Where's John Schneider When You Need Him?


[Read this in your best Waylon Jennings voice]
Looks like one of them Duke boys has got himself into trouble again. While Bo is off who knows where, Luke got himself into hot water with some ants. No, not Boss Hog's mama's sisters, I'm talkin' about some real creepy crawlies here. Don't know how he's gonna get himself out of this one - maybe Cooter or Enis will show up and save the day.

Here's the lame-o synopsis of THE HIVE: On some unnamed tropical island (or something - it's never really explained), the natives are being killed by some really mean ants. These ants are mean, I mean, they are seriously mean. They kill a baby. Mean, I tell you!

So then some experts in ant-killing are brought it (one of whom is the horribly fantastic Tom Wopat). They use some sort of fancy weaponry that kills ants, but leaves everything else untouched. The ants ambush Wopat and his buddy, and one of them burrows into Tom's inner ear, where it does... something. It's really unclear what the ant is doing - occasionally Luke Duke acts like he's in a lot of pain, but it doesn't seem to mean much.

Anyway, then we learn that the ants are really smart and they just want to be loved. Tom Wopat tries to nuke them, then an alien flies away. Seriously.

I love bad movies. I really do. But this one is just awful. The effects are the worst I've seen (and I've seen ICE SPIDERS and MONSTER ARK) - these Sci-Fi Network pieces of junk are so bad that MST3K would reject them. This methodology - slap together a silly story, cast a somewhat well-known actor, cheese up the effects a bit, and cash in - is a tried and true method in the horror world, but this is so bad that it's borderline offensive.

I don't have a lot to say about THE HIVE. There's just not much there. It's bad. Real bad. But on the bright side, you get to see Tom Wopat get blowed up. So you got that going for you, which is good.

THE HIVE gets one alien ant farm out of five.

1 comment:

the hamster said...

this sounds like a winner-winner-chicken-dinner for self-proclaimed and trained entomolygist. thanks for steering me clear. i probably would have watched this on my iTouch sitting on the ground naked with watermelon juice rubbed all over my body - then i could have lived the horror myself. thanks for saving me the trouble.