Saturday, September 13, 2008
Top Ten Things About Friday the 13th 2
10. The Gross – Made for only a million or so bucks, Part Deux earned well over 21 million. Not a bad margin, eh? This paved the way for all of the crappy slasher wanna-bes from the last twenty years. Yay for ‘Gross’ puns!
9. The Severed Head – There are lots of them here, but the one we see most often is Mama Voorhees, first in a refrigerator in suburbia, then as the centerpiece to a shrine in the woods. That Pamela really gets around.
8. The Mask – Again, as with Part 1, we’ve got no hockey mask yet. No, young Jason has chosen a burlap sack for a mask this time. How do you get the eye holes to stay lined up all the time? Seems like it would slip too much. Should have gone with a slice of bologna with eye holes cut out.
7. The Skinny Carrot Top – The comic relief is usually the first to go. This loser gets off easy. He gets to spend the night pounding brewskies in a local dive getting rejected by 40-year old drunk chicks. There are worse ways to pass the time, I guess.
6. Crazy Ralph (again) – Nobody deserves a garroting. Especially not Crazy Ralph – all the guy did was warn folks that they were gonna get butchered. Who’s Crazy now, huh?
5. The Nonsense – So let me get this straight. Jason, who’s never left the woods in his entire life, somehow finds out where Alice lives, breaks into her house without her noticing, stows his mom’s noggin in her fridge, and jabs an ice pick into her temple. All while he’s, what, 12? No car, no clothes, no command of the English language – how did he find her house? Did he look her up in the White Pages – he can’t read! Did he follow her car from the hospital? On foot? Then he found his way back to Camp Crystal Lake to erect his little mommy-shrine? Come on.
4. The Final Girl – Ginny is far superior to Alice (from Part 1) for many reasons. She’s resourceful, she’s intelligent, she’s blond, and she’s not afraid of sharp objects. Poor Alice was forever trying to whack Pamela Voorhees with sticks and poles and whatnot, whereas Ginny goes for the machetes and pitchforks pretty quickly. She ends the film pretty much the same way as Alice, but I’m way more confident that Ginny will thrive in the outside world.
3. The Disguise – Ginny is feeling from Jason, and (miracle of miracles) just happens to run right into Jason’s Ziggurat to Mama. She stumbles in and processes what’s happening pretty darn fast. Then, donning Pam’s sweater (that thing HAS to be crawling with nastiness) and assuming Mom’s identity, she begins to bark at Jason “Jason, mama is talking to you!” It works. For a minute. I bet that sweater would sell for a small fortune on ebay…
2. The Face – We get a good look at Jason’s mug as he jumps though a window at Ginny. He’s deformed, demented, and just plain ugly. Now, let’s review what we know about Jason. He was a camper at Camp Crystal Lake and, while his counselors were breaking a couple of the commandments, he drowned in the lake. So how did his face get deformed anyway? Did he have an encounter in the forest with a surly bear? Maybe he was born that way and the counselors wanted him to croak…
1. The Ending – The mysterious, mysterious ending. “WHERE IS PAUL?” I don’t know Ginny, I don’t know where Paul is. For that matter, where’s the last hour and a half of my life? Have you seen that, Ginny? WHERE IS MY LIFE?