Welcome (Again) Camp Crystal Lake Counselors!
Yes! The rumors are true: Camp Crystal Lake is reopening! And this year, it is our goal to keep all the counselors alive long enough to actually see the first wave of Camp Crystal Lake campers. Now, we realize that CCL staff have not personally met campers since 1958 - and that's just plum unacceptable! This year we will change all that. And your survival sums up the entire purpose of this newsletter.
We hope that you have thoroughly reviewed the first Staying Alive At Camp Blood Newsletter. There are helpful hints and tools in that resource we will not repeat here. Instead, we intend now to add to our previous attempts to keep you alive throughout the entire weekend.
One quick announcement: Crazy Ralph will no longer be with us at Camp Blood. We loved Ralph. We treasured his little black vest and blue bicycle. We even appreciated his kooky sense of prophetic doom. We asked Ralph to write a camp song for us last year:
At Camp Blood,
you're all doomed,
you're all doomed,
you're all doomed,
I tell ya!
And at Camp Blood,
I hide in pantries,
hide in bushes,
hide by trees
to look at ya pretty little girlses
in your nekkid midnight swims
or your screwing midnight hims
cause I like to see that stuff
when I can roll up on it
in time on my bike, ya.
(We're still working out the rhythm. Ralph was a prophet, not a song writer). As the sentiment above reveals, Ralph took to some Peeping Tommery here recently, which got him piano-wired to a tree by way of his voice box. Shame. We will miss you, Crazy Ralph.
Alright, alright. Let's get to it. After much deliberation, here's a list of things that WILL and WILL NOT get you killed at Camp Blood:
- drinking Heineken at the local tavern WILL NOT get you killed, but it also will not win you many cool points;
- peeping on couples in cabins WILL get you killed (poor Ralph);
- arm-wrestling the dude in the wheelchair WILL NOT get you killed, but going to your cabin to grab your secret-weapon brown panties to screw the guy in the wheelchair WILL;
- answering a booty-call on the second floor of the counselor lounge WILL NOT get you killed, but - again - skip the afterglow;
- approaching a bed on the second floor of the counselor lounge that is covered in blood and lumped up with two "sleeping" bodies WILL get you killed;
- as always at CCL, skinny dipping WILL NOT get you killed;
- stealing the clothes of skinny dippers WILL NOT get you killed, but stepping into inverted suspension dangling traps while escaping with skinny dipper clothes WILL;
- parking your wheelchair near a really long flight of stairs WILL get you killed;
- keeping clean during menstrual cycles, according to camp director Paul, WILL at least keep the bears away - but, maybe not the maniacal killers.
If you find yourself pursued by a maniacal killer, we have discovered a few helpful DO's and DON'Ts:
- if you think there is someone in a dark room with you and your boyfriend DO scream at the top of your lungs, "Paul, there's someone in this fucking room!", but then DON'T just stand there when the maniac starts rolling on the floor with your boyfriend. DO grab something and, for God's sake, DO knock the shit out of him!
- DO try the red Volkswagon Beetle to escape; DON'T be surprised when it doesn't start; DO use the car door to knock the hell out of the killer trying to stab you with a pitchfork dangling over the top of the car.
- If a maniacal killer chases you into the woods DO hide behind a bush and kick him in the jimmy when he comes around the corner, but then DON'T leave him there holding his johnson. DO beat the snot out of the joker while he's down!
- DO try to hide in a cabin, but DON'T hide under the beds. there's rats in them cabins and one might join you under the bed which will cause you to piss your pants and give away your position.
- If your peepee on the floor gives you away, and the killer falls off a chair while trying to stab you standing on a chair with a pitchfork, but miserably falls instead, DON'T toss the killer's pitch fork UNLESS there's a chainsaw nearby.
- DO grab the chainsaw, but DON'T toss the chainsaw and run just because the fright of you caused the killer to trip over his own feet.
- DON'T take refuge in scary makeshift cabins in the woods.
- if you DO take refuge in a scary makeshift cabin, quickly find the first dead person you can, put their clothes on, and impersonate them to the killer. Especially if that dead person is the killer's beheaded mother! Yowsers!
- when your boyfriend comes to save you - again - because he's valiant and dumb enough to try to save you after you left him wrestling a cult classic killer already - DON'T just stand there - again. whack that mo-fo!
- after you have whacked that mo-fo - finally - DO go back to the cabin where you pissed yourself. yes, the killer will come back to find you, but that's also where you dumbassedly left the pitchfork the first time. so, you know, redeem your own mistakes, sista.
Okay, this should help you stay alive at least until the campers arrive. We will not actually be able to tell you what to do WHEN campers arrive until we have reviewed the camp tapes from our sixth camp season. Until then, I mean, good luck, y'all.