Wednesday, August 13, 2008

STAYING ALIVE AT CAMP BLOOD NEWSLETTER vol. 1


Welcome Camp Crystal Lake Counselors!

I am very excited to announce the re-opening of Camp Crystal Lake - where, as a former counselor once said right before taking a hatchet to the nasal cavity in the ladies' bath-house, "THE RAIN TURNS TO BLOOD AND WASHES AWAY IN LITTLE RIVERS." As many of you may already know, Camp Crystal Lake has seen its fair share of homicides in the past. However, we refuse to let a little thing like machete weilding revenge-freaks stop us from having our best summer yet. We here at Camp Crystal Lake are certain that Summer 1981 will be a summer you will never forget.... if you survive it.

Speaking of survival, after reviewing the 95 minute tape of the 1980 Camp Crystal Lake summer camping season, camp leadership has diligently put together a few notes that should be of interest and assistance to you as you join our team. In this newsletter, you will receive information on how to survive the summer with all your limbs attached, as well as a small checklist of supplies necessary for your job and enjoyment here at Camp Crystal Lake.

However, before we go any further, let's all extend a warm Camp Blood welcome to our new resident Prophet of Doom: Ralph! Past leadership tried to keep this wonderful and insightful man away from Camp Crystal Lake. Not anymore. New leadership decided to hire Ralph as a full-time staff member. Ralph's primary job is to ride around camp grounds on his little blue bicycle and keep all the kiddies nervous. You'll probably hear Ralph spouting out apocalyptic murmurings about "death wishes" and "curses." We think this is Ralph's charm. As everyone knows, kids love a good ghost story. We figured: why save the ghost stories for the campfire? Besides, with Ralph convincing the kids that "death wishes" loom around every corner, we think discipline and order will be somewhat simpler than in times past. Here's to Ralph - the original Camp Blood doomsayer!

Alright, let's talk about keeping the blood in your esophagus as opposed to pouring down the front of your shirt. Again, after reviewing the 1980 camp tapes, we noted a few sure-fire activities that will get you killed (and a few that will not) at Camp Crystal Lake. You may find this list rather surprising.

-- Making out/heavy petting on the second floor of the lodge, even/especially after singing gospel songs with an acoustic guitar, will get you killed.
-- Hitchhiking on outer camp roads will get you killed. (Unless you hitch a ride with Enos. However, Enos will definitely grab your ass to help you in the truck - so, you know, make your choice.)
-- Checking the generator alone at night will get you killed.
-- Mucking about the archery range in your pajamas at night in the rain will get you killed. Which is sad: Brenda, the archer, despite her side-of-the-head ponytail, was smoking.
-- Putting on a kettle of water for decaf coffee brewed from cheap flavor crystals will not get you killed, but it will probably get killed bodies thrown in the window behind you.
-- Screwing in a cabin, surprisingly, will not get you killed.
-- Floating on your bunk in the afterglow of screwing in a cabin will get you killed.
-- Badly impersonating starlets of yesteryear's cinematic screens in the ladies' bathhouse in your underwear after screwing in a cabin will get you killed.
--Smoking "grass" and playing strip Monopoly in the counselors lounge at night will not get you killed. It also will not get you screwed in a cabin later.
--Wearing khaki pants that do not accentuate your positives in anyway possible, along with a hideous silk-ish blouse, will definitely get you chased by a killer. As it should.
--Walking in the woods alone at night will get you killed.
--Swimming in the lake near the boat dock will not get you killed (at least, not this year), but taking a boat out into the middle of the lake will probably awaken dead people stuck on the bottom. We prefer to leave them there.
--Trying to kill the girl in the bad khakis and silkish blouse will definitely get you killed - even though she seems nice enough.

Following this simple list of hints should keep you alive for at least the first 24 hours at camp. If you survive a full day, you will be given a raise, any leftover grass from dead co-counselors, and a chance to rewrite the Staying Alive At Camp Blood Field Manual.

As promised, here is a checklist of things that you will need to bring to Camp Crystal Lake:

-- personal toiletries
-- flashlights
-- inappropriately short shorts (for the men - WTF?)
-- a dimebag of grass
-- extra internal organs, just in case a few of yours get spilled
-- swim gear
-- raincoats

Camp Crystal Lake will provide Monopoly boards and a plethora of randomly strewn about machetes. We keep the machetes around because Alice found a black snake in her cabin last year. Also, while the machetes will probably be used at some point to kill you, they also may save your life. Official Camp policy states: if you think you are being killed, you probably are; so, behead first, ask questions later.

Alright, we hope this has been helpful for each of you. Like we said, bad weather, ominous prophecies of doom, and the occassional homicide will not stop us from having a great year at Camp Crystal Lake. Feel free to call with questions, but not concerns. And, again, on behalf of all of us here at Camp Crystal Lake - welcome to camp!

-Steve Christy, Jr. / Sr. Camp Director

2 comments:

myleswerntz said...

i fricking love this. 5 snakes in the outhouse out of 5.

John Barber said...

The strip Monopoly thing bothers me. Monopoly already takes forever, you're telling me that every time you pay rent you pay with clothes? These guys would be sittin' nekkid for hours. It's just annoying (and cold) at that point, right?