Wednesday, August 13, 2008

HECKLING FROM THE ON-RAMP: FRIDAY THE 13TH

In lieu of in-depth analysis, I give you, the reader, something to entice you to play along at home. I give you....a time signature commentary.


1:01—the first breaths of “ch ch ch ah ah ah” are heard

2:15—there’s no way she’s really playing that guitar. And seriously, what camp is this that they’re able to know so many crap songs in the key of E?

3:38—niiiiiice shorts. Did you borrow those from your girlfriend?

4:26—I’ve never been walked in on like that. That I know of. At least not by someone obviously holding a butcher knife.

5:20—Watch that glass! I’m working here!

7:09—I will own one of those external frame backpacks one day. I swear it.

8:34—I dig Annie’s freckles. And those innocent eyes. And the orange plaid.

9:14—Careful where those hands go, Enos.

11:32—What the h is an “American original”? Blue jeans? The funky chicken?

12:40—KEVIN BACON makes his first appearance. His buddy makes an obvious pass at his girlfriend.

13:54—I kid you not, there’s a picture from when I was 4 years old of my Dad looking just like Steve Christie.

15:25—Just kidding: this is really Jim Yates’ older brother.

18:56—This guy cannot be killed off soon enough. But I must wait until 40:23. Oh, cruel fate.

19:31—The part that freaks me out the most about this movie is the first-person viewpoint. I don’t like that my view is the view of the killer—too much self-identification with evil.

20:41—Annie, your naivite will be your undoing. I still dig your freckles.

24:01—DO NOT LOOK AT THE TOP OF THIS SHOT. You will put your eye out.

25:47—Once I put a dead snake in a counselor’s pillow. It was awesome. He screamed like he was at an N’SYNC concert.

30:10—Ralph, if I find you in the pantry again, I will punch you in your stupid hat.

35:06—Kevin Bacon puts the sensitive guy ploy into action. Listen carefully to your girlfriend’s crazy dream about blood. It may help you in about four minutes.

37:01—I’ve always wished that True Love Waits would realize the genius morality tales that these films are.

37:25—I could go for a bag of chips. I must press on.

38:29—Apparently, guitar playing has improved in twenty years.

39:50—FULL CHEEKAGE.

42:27—Check that: DARE can join forces with True Love Waits. It’d be awesome. Sex AND drugs equals really bad things.

46:48—This one has the worst death in the film. By. Far. Again, sex kills.

47:32—Raincoats plus undergarments. Who writes this stuff?

48:57—Two dollars says this is a cross-dresser. I’m putting money on it here and now.

51:43—I really should be doing reading for the dissertation. My girlfriend will kill me for this. But not as much as someone is about to get it. I won’t say who.

56:34—Those are some serious floodlights, for the annual Midnight Madness archery tournament, I suppose.

1:00:28—No one has died for nearly 12 minutes. Except the phone line!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:01:22—Note to self: cars DO NOT work when they’re wet.

1:01:33—Note to self: do not make prophetic utterances about ‘tomorrow’ when all your friends have been axed that night.

1:03:48—Note to self: if you see someone holding a butcher knife, walk away.

1:06:22—Why check on a generator that does nothing, at 4 in the morning? It can wait.

1:07:22—Heart rate picks up noticeably. I have trouble breathing.

1:08:14—I really need a glass of water. I am stuck to the couch.

1:09:47—Note to self: decaf coffee attracts bears and serial killers.

1:10:55—I take it back—Bill had a worse death than anyone. Can you imagine an arrow in the eye? At two camps, I taught archery to kids, and I have to say that I was more terrified doing that than pretty much anything I’ve done since. Uncoordinated nine-year-olds with deadly weapons is Friday the 13th, pt. 14.

1:13:58—You’re going to run like hell, that’s what you’re going to do!

1:18:13—why is Jason bald before he died?

1:19:45—I’m also betting that whoever wrote the screenplay for The Shining watched this.

1:20:21—Where has this arsenal been all movie?

1:21:36—CAT FIGHT! You did not steal my man!!

1:25:05—Again, The Shining. And where’d she get the freaking machete? Some cooking show is going to wake up tomorrow PISSED.

1:27:18—I love that Pam has now been attacked with a paddle, a frying pan, and a ball of yarn.

1:27:55—SLOW MO. Correction: THIS is the most gruesome death. And cue the Bruce Banner music.

1:29:58—Wait for it…wait for it…

1:30:17—I knew it was coming, and it still makes me stop breathing.

1:31:40—“Ma’am, we didn’t find any boy.” Yet. I love it--accuracy, with a hint of an overture, that this... story... is.... not... over...... yet.....

3 comments:

John Barber said...

Yeah, the end gets me every time. There's just enough time before Jason pops out of the water to make you nervous...

the hamster said...

genius. i'll be back for more of this later.

and you are so right about jim yates' brother. holy schnikes!

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