Thursday, July 31, 2008

YOU WOULD LOOK SO GOOD IN THIS PICTURE IF YOU WEREN'T SO DECEASED

allow me to vent for a moment concerning my hatred of the theatrical trailer. i can't remember what film the wife and i intended to see, probably something totally awesome because we don't watch suck films. whatever the case, i vividly remember seeing the trailer for SHUTTER, which, admittedly, scared the pocky sticks right out of me. latonya said, "oooo, baby, you liked GRUDGE and THE RING - you think you'll like that?" i leaned over and whispered, "no, no" (i was also shaking my head in the dark). i said, "that looks like the real deal. like a real scary mo-fo."and it did. what with all that throwback there to the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, "the pictures you are about to see are real" and all the ghostly images of little boys running into little ghostly boys on the playground - no, no. the secret to being a successful horror film fan resides in drawing the lines. there should be some boundaries, personally chosen, that viewers just do not cross. this theatrical trailer, for whatever reason, drew that boundary.

but i'm a sucker for asian horror, particularly the usually awful american remakes. so when neighbors asked me to watch SHUTTER with them, i said sure. why not? rules are meant to be broken and boundaries meant to be stretched. this is, of course, where i went wrong.

SHUTTER tells the story of a newly married american couple haunted by the ghost of a young japanese girl. conveinantly, the couple find themselves haunted by the japanese ghost in japan - which means that the ghost-girl did not need to travel too far to reek havoc. however, as the story progresses, we learn that the ghost has been haunting this couple throughout their entire relationship - even in america. and, not that i'm a ghost or anything, but you would think that a spirit could find someone a little more local, like, within the span of one's own telephone directory, to haunt. that's a really hard-up, desperate japanese ghost-girl.

oh, and did i mention that the japanese ghost-girl haunts this american couple through their photographs. which is conveinant again for the ghost-girl because the dude-half of this couple is a photographer and the girl-half of this couple is hot, which means that the dude-half is always taking pictures of the hot-half which offers more chances for the ghost-girl to get her haunt on - which she obviously really wants to do.

this whole idea of being tracked down and haunted through the photographic arts sounds scary enough; however, SHUTTER is the most unscary-scary movie i've seen yet. this film needs zero editting to win a saturday afternoon slot on the USA network. pop some corn and bring the kids - i was more spooked in THE MONSTER SQUAD than this. just pitiful. pure pitiful.

nevertheless, the ending to SHUTTER offers a twist to the normal japanese ghost-girl stories, as in THE GRUGE and THE RING, that almost proved worth the watching. usually, these ghost-girls haunt young attractive americans because young attractive americans are resourceful enough to solve crimes that the asian police could never crack. the moral to these stories is that if you ever find yourself a disenchated japanese ghost girl, just chase sarah michelle gellar or naomi watts around tokyo a bit and they'll right the wrong of past family sins for you. however, in SHUTTER, this ghost-girl has another agenda up her translucent sleeve. i will only tell you that she has good reason to target the girl-half of the couple. and what she wants the girl-half to discover about the dude-half is enough to keep any girl's spirit around and pissed post-mortem.

also, i seemed to have glanced right over rachel taylor in TRANSFORMERS - she was the hacker girl in perpetual stilletto heels chasing mega-tron around the hoover dam-like base place. whatever the case, rachel taylor's performance in SHUTTER was far too good for this film. i felt sad that she wasted so much talent on a poopie shoot of a flop. taylor could give gellar and watts both a lesson in getting the job done.

this hamster give SHUTTER 2 pocky sticks out of five. would have gotten zero - but the twist ending and rachel taylor each deserved their own pocky.

12 comments:

myleswerntz said...

Yeah, I thought the Transformers hacker was way hot too.

the hamster said...

myles - you are such a typical dude. this is the best review i have ever written in my entire life. it's funny, informative, entertaining and utterly enthralling. not to mention, i found a way to link sesame street in an asian horror review. and all you can do is drool over hot-girl taylor's high-heel trotty pants. pig.

the hamster said...

myles - i didn't really mean any of that. just trying to stir up controversy. i love you. and your trotty pants. but, really, this is the best review i've ever written. well, at least until the next one.

dude, that was deep.

ps. myles and john - picked up MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL on vhs for $1 yesterday at half-priced book. john, i found you a plethora of clearance priced dvds. i just have to wait until i get my august allowance. you will freak your trotty pants!

myleswerntz said...

in all seriousness, i thought this was a good review. I just thought she was hot, and felt utterly compelled to comment on that aspect of the review.

Hammy, a) if you find any clearance DVDs that look appealing, put them up for me and I'll pay you back, and b) I'd love to see you come up with a series on American remakes of films, Japanese, Korean, or otherwise.

the hamster said...

myles - i definitely keep you in mind every time i peruse the clearance racks - dvds and vhs. don't worry, you are fitly covered. i didn't see anything yesterday that screamed MPW. but i'm always looking.

good idear on the series of american-asian remakes. there's gobs out there. half the horror film in the past two years have been asian remakes. totally ridic.

myleswerntz said...

speaking of clearance DVDs, guess what I picked up for 4.99 yesterday much to sarah martin's chagrin?

tomorrow's post. I can hardly wait to write about it.

myleswerntz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the hamster said...

no way! you got REVENGE OF THE NERDS on dvd!

Sarah said...

No. I think Kevin was right the first time. Myles, you are a pig. I mean seriously, she's not THAT hot.

John Barber said...

Dang. Some trouble in pre-marital land gettin' stirred up in here! Nice.

Kevin, I do think this is up there with some of your best work. I won't even hold it against you that you liked THE GRUDGE. Much.

myleswerntz said...

that comment weren't SM. I asked her. It's a pooser.

the hamster said...

john - i thank you for the kind words. and you are right: this is some of my best work. at least, until the next review.

myles - dude, you seriously should not be calling sarah wertnz crum a pooser. in a dark alley fight between you and your sister: i would put all my money on your sister - even if you had brass knuckles.

SARAH CRUM!!!!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!! please hang around these parts!