Thursday, July 24, 2008

Dude, Where's My Hockey Mask, Part IV

Here’s my pitch for the new film:

Michael Bay decides to remake the original FRIDAY THE 13TH, but wants to build a larger audience, so he conspires to combine two successful movie franchises. He casts Ice Cube, Chris Tucker and John Witherspoon and sets the film at Camp Crystal Lake. In an effort to save on the budget, he decides to shoot on location at the actual Camp, rather than using a set in Hollywood.

After reading about the upcoming production on IMDB, the real Jason Voorhees licks his chops and waits for the fun. On the set, Jason quickly subdues and skewers (with a boom stand) the actor playing Jason and dons the costume in order to gain access to the actors and crew. The actors die one by one in increasingly gruesome and ingenious ways (i.e. Ice Cube is killed when Jason burns out his eyes with a doobie and suffocates on a large bong shoved down his throat). Unbeknownst to Jason, one of the minor cast members is an ex Navy Seal (played by Nicolas Cage) who suspects that something fishy is going on.

In the final act, after Jason has killed Michael Bay by winding his entrails around a film reel, the ex-Navy Seal and Jason face off on the swimming platform in the lake. With his final breath, after suffering multiple machete blows to the arms and torso, the ex-Navy Seal calls his Navy pilot buddies to carpet bomb Camp Crystal Lake. Jason looks up skyward to see a bunkerbuster screaming toward his face.

Our final scene is a broken hockey mask lying at the bottom of the lake. Then, suddenly, Pamela Voorhees emerges from the lake bottom, takes the two pieces of mask, and knits them back together, all while singing a lullaby to the infant growing in her belly. Dum-Dum-Dum!!


myleswerntz said...

over the top. Jason would never die from a nuke.

the hamster said...

i love pamela vorhees knitting of the hockey mask. pray tell - since pamela and jason slice up every dude they meet, who be the father?

John Barber said...

I didn't say it was a nuke. Pay attention.

And as to the parentage of Jason, can there be any doubt? Is it not Beelzebub himself?

myleswerntz said...

or maybe it's corey feldman?